Hello world: Angel showdown.

i'm sure i'm not the only who's experience this 'out of this world' awakening of some sort. a stab that sort of woke you up to the real-ness* of it all ( *deliberate*). I have to stop over thinking things and playing the blame-game and start looking at the facts and decide whether to follow my dreams or to follow a new dream.

Thing is, we all encounter this kind of thing in life (for me it's kind of different though, i'm a stubborn old soul ever since i was 10!), even people i looked up to before encountered this roadblock. they had the audacity to overlook something distasteful and move forward. as for me... i am tempted.

in my heart, i feel that i know the answer. but in my mind the answer seems like a gamble, seems stupid, seems... careless, seems like i can control the result but i am reckless enough to mess it up.

10 years from now, 20 years from now. what will happen to us? To my generation? Are we going to end up like my mom? my dad? my aunt? or people i see on facebook? twitter? who's going to be the next bruno mars? lady gaga? beyonce? rihanna? pope? obama? did PNoy ever knew that 'he' was going to end up being the president of the 'philippines'??

I just realized this now, that people like certainty or are obsessed with security. I have been too preoccupied and obsessed with movies and my hobbies that i missed out on planning and thinking about the things that i want, need, like and dont want, need, like to happen to me.

I always thought that I am going to be what I want to be. but it didnt occur to me that dreaming wasnt enough, ideas werent enough. People i admire were once normal people... who've gone into this metamorphosis-stage (i dunno what to call it) in different ages. some 18, some 25, some 30, some 40...

it was just a shocker. no one really knows about the future. no one has the assurance.

but one can only know what makes the great... GREAT, and the average... average. although, i hate categorizing people in that manner, there's a psychological explanation about why people are the way they are, a psychological reason that people wont be able to control. So who are we to judge who's great and who isn't?

so... this is what they call fear. this is so pathetic! 

this is what i get for getting ahead of myself. for being arrogant and conceited. 

am i going to be a doctor?

a lawyer?

or a director?

i just stumbled upon this article today, (coincidence?)

http://filmstop-online.blogspot.com/2009/07/steven-spielbergs-top-5-tips-to-become.html

"1. Overcome your fears.

“He was scared of just about everything,” recalls Leah Adler, Spielberg’s mother. “When trees brushed against the house, he would head into my bed.”


Fear is something we all must deal with as human beings. Some people remain in your comfort zones and never venture into the unknown. You might want to become a writer or director but you're afraid what others might say about your new ambitions. The naysayers might plant doubt and fear in your mind. "Working in film is too unstable" or "It's all about luck and who you know". Maybe the thought of giving your filmmaker dream a shot and not becoming successful will leave you looking like a fool.

Spielberg also had to learn to conquer his fear of failure. After being rejected by the extremely prestigious film school at UCLA, upon which he had pinned his hopes and dreams, Spielberg was unsure what the future held in store for him. While he knew film was his passion, he began to wonder whether or not he would be able to succeed at it. Unwilling to give up his dream, he enrolled in California State University and continued on his path. But, again, after getting a C in his television production course, Spielberg had to wonder whether he would ever amount to anything in this industry. He then took the even riskier decision to drop out of school and pursue his passion on his own."

ow.


Fear is an eye opener? the yin to my yang? the thing that turned everything around? What turned me inside out? turned a doer into a thinker?






FEAR. i was fearless to the point that it's crazy. i was free to the point that it's stupid. fearless, crazy, free and stupid... that's me. also a dreamer.






I didnt realize my fears because i had none. I was so complete before that i took it for granted


i didnt listen to anyone and i just followed my guts and instincts..






FEAR.






now i fear. dishonest people, schemers, depressing people, pessimists, people with no soul, insecure, thieves, imitators






i hope to be with children all the time.






thing is, back then i hated kids. does that mean i was like a kid that's why i didnt like them? because we're similar? and now i hate these kinds because ive been exposed to them and been contaminated myself?






there really are people with evil intentions. 'yoshihiro togashi' the creator and 'yuyu hakusko' wasnt just making up those monsters in the human world. when 'yusuke yurameshi' woke from the dead and was able to see these demons flying around humans. possessing them, making them depressed.






this is the reality of life, so it seems. i am ready for it, so it seems. thing is i want to BE. but i dont know how to face dishonest people, or pretentious people, nor can i detect them. I only know myself. i dont want to slander them, talk about anyone, take sides... I dont like politics. i just want to do and create things (that sounded weird). To laugh and make people laugh.