Journal: Cornered
I lost my mojo.
Reminds me of the movie: Austin Powers Gold Member. Sigh. How should I begin? It's been a while since I blogged about moi. Something propelled me to go back to my own writing style and just blog about everything without limit. Family, events in my life and those little moments that I consider magic.
Blogging has been a part of my life but for some reason I chose to stop bloggingcompletely and deleted my precious blog dreamer sanctuary.
I was young, i wanted to be a writer, a great writer without going through the starving artist phase, but also without relying on my parents, without relying on connections, just me, my pen and ideas.
I miss my crazy self, but if there's one thing i learned over the past few years, acting frivolous, cheerful, unpredictable and happy wont make people take you seriously. In a way i was way too honest for my own good. I thought if you did your best and did your job you can be yourself. But then, the up side was that I began to think about other people's feelings now that I understand people more. It's just that I can't blurt out words randomly anymore, it'd seem too childish- like "HONTOU!?" "KAKKOI!" "AWESOME!" "EVIL!" "COOL".
My mentality back then was to dream, pursue your dream and just be cool. Enjoy the short life God has given you and get away from all the negative elements of the world. Sooo... I played tennis, did running, yoga, swimming, cooking... but then I realized that I wasn't going anywhere, I learned new things as a person but in terms of career, I wasn't pushing forward. I was enjoying being 20-22 way too much forgetting about my dream. Sure, I traveled with friends telling myself that it's inspiration for a movie, a story... but that's just me deluding myself, making myself feel less guilty for enjoying.
When in reality I missed what it was that made a story delicious. Because I had it easy, because I always stayed on the safe side, always thinking that all the mishaps are part of the adventure, I missed what it was like to feel.
To feel.
I deleted my blog, the one i love so much ever since its birth in 2006 (but saved a copy in my hard drive), because even though it's an album of my past and it reminded me of how I perceived things and how I was able to give 110% energy all the time, it's time for me to consider some things that I didn't even think was worth my time of day. I am just human after all.
I have to get my mojo back, I wasted enough time and enough brain power on useless things. But I am still weighing my options, I have to keep in mind that I am still that 'dreamer,' that 'soul saver', that 'adventurer'. That girl who loves raw/smackdown, who loves nba and pro-tennis, who listens to jrock/jpop when she wakes up in the morning. Who stays up late at night to finish a good book. Who will go to places alone and meet new people. Who will swim whenever/wherever she feels like it.
Am I worried about the future? I would be lying if I say no, but then if I say yes I would sound cowardly and not-myself (hah?), but then I am no longer myold young self no matter how much I tell my mind otherwise, so yes, I am worried, mostly of people and what they can say and do, but what didn't change is that I am still excited. What will happen next?! What am I going to learn? Make?
And then there's one member of the audience who really matters and who's always been watching my every move, and he's always been my guiding force, I always apologize to him whenever I've wronged or erred... But I now know that nobody, especially me, should settle in that forgiveness that he always gives when we ask for it.
For me, It's time to make God proud.
Reminds me of the movie: Austin Powers Gold Member. Sigh. How should I begin? It's been a while since I blogged about moi. Something propelled me to go back to my own writing style and just blog about everything without limit. Family, events in my life and those little moments that I consider magic.
Blogging has been a part of my life but for some reason I chose to stop blogging
I was young, i wanted to be a writer, a great writer without going through the starving artist phase, but also without relying on my parents, without relying on connections, just me, my pen and ideas.
I miss my crazy self, but if there's one thing i learned over the past few years, acting frivolous, cheerful, unpredictable and happy wont make people take you seriously. In a way i was way too honest for my own good. I thought if you did your best and did your job you can be yourself. But then, the up side was that I began to think about other people's feelings now that I understand people more. It's just that I can't blurt out words randomly anymore, it'd seem too childish- like "HONTOU!?" "KAKKOI!" "AWESOME!" "EVIL!" "COOL".
My mentality back then was to dream, pursue your dream and just be cool. Enjoy the short life God has given you and get away from all the negative elements of the world. Sooo... I played tennis, did running, yoga, swimming, cooking... but then I realized that I wasn't going anywhere, I learned new things as a person but in terms of career, I wasn't pushing forward. I was enjoying being 20-22 way too much forgetting about my dream. Sure, I traveled with friends telling myself that it's inspiration for a movie, a story... but that's just me deluding myself, making myself feel less guilty for enjoying.
When in reality I missed what it was that made a story delicious. Because I had it easy, because I always stayed on the safe side, always thinking that all the mishaps are part of the adventure, I missed what it was like to feel.
To feel.
I deleted my blog, the one i love so much ever since its birth in 2006 (but saved a copy in my hard drive), because even though it's an album of my past and it reminded me of how I perceived things and how I was able to give 110% energy all the time, it's time for me to consider some things that I didn't even think was worth my time of day. I am just human after all.
I have to get my mojo back, I wasted enough time and enough brain power on useless things. But I am still weighing my options, I have to keep in mind that I am still that 'dreamer,' that 'soul saver', that 'adventurer'. That girl who loves raw/smackdown, who loves nba and pro-tennis, who listens to jrock/jpop when she wakes up in the morning. Who stays up late at night to finish a good book. Who will go to places alone and meet new people. Who will swim whenever/wherever she feels like it.
Am I worried about the future? I would be lying if I say no, but then if I say yes I would sound cowardly and not-myself (hah?), but then I am no longer my
And then there's one member of the audience who really matters and who's always been watching my every move, and he's always been my guiding force, I always apologize to him whenever I've wronged or erred... But I now know that nobody, especially me, should settle in that forgiveness that he always gives when we ask for it.
For me, It's time to make God proud.
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